I am single. I’m not going to say how much I love being single or how much I hate it. My feelings aren’t the point of this post. My aim is to convey the contrast in two kinds of thought regarding my singleness and to find out what you think.
I have two friends. Both of them are married, and I consider both of them to be more mature than me in the Christian faith. But they each have their own thoughts toward how a single person should live.
Friend A thinks that I should “get myself out there.” He believes single people shouldn’t merely pray that God bring them a spouse, but they need to be actively looking for someone who fits their requirements. (And if you’re female, you should not hide yourself in a closet, but make sure a large number of available guys know you exist.)
He has told me many times that I should church hop for this purpose. When I protest, saying I love the service I currently attend and would hate to go to another just to snag a guy, he says that it’s not a good enough excuse. He believes that asking God for something without actively doing your part is senseless.
Friend B believes that I should not concern myself with looking for a spouse. He thinks I should just follow God throughout my day and week, trusting that He will basically smack me in the face when the right person comes my way. I shouldn’t do anything differently just to find someone. For a guy or a girl to actively look for a significant other would be to take matters into his or her own hands and would be to tell God, “I don’t need you. I can do things on my own.”
Both friends seem logical in their own ways, yet they are just about as similar as night and day. So, what are your thoughts? Do you think one way makes more sense or is more biblical than the other? Or does it even matter which route someone takes?
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20 comments:
Do whatever makes you happy.
Follow your impulses and instincts.
Jon, what kind of advice is that? What if doing something wretched makes her happy? What if it makes her happy short term but long term it destroys her life? What if happiness isn’t the only goal/consideration?
Emily, I know what you mean. My parents think I should be moving from state to state in search of a date (we have this conversation way too often), but if you talk to the married people at church they’re much more of the “God will bring someone into your life” persuasion.
I tend to be more “B” than “A”. I don’t want my life to be centered around finding “the one” - that just seems weird and obsessive to me...like those girls who write letters to their future husbands (or knit them quilts!).
Plus, let’s say I find this guy and he’s “the one”, what will we have to talk about? My long search for him?
“So, what do you do?”
“Well, for the past few years I’ve been traveling the world in search of a guy. Hobbies? Oh, no, I don’t have time for hobbies. I need a man! ”
On the other hand, if you hide in your house every night, of course you don’t know anyone - and if you never meet new people...well you don’t meet new people...and I’ve found that can hinder the whole dating thing. Of course my parents would say my residence in Indiana hinders the whole dating thing, so maybe I secretly just don’t care that much :o
I'm not quite sure what I would do if a girl presented me with a quilt that was composed for me long before she met me......."Uh, yea, about that....well, the thing is, uh, that with me moving to, uh, Siberia and all...well, I'm just not sure it's going to work out....but it's really me and not you, so, I'm sure someone else will really really look forward to getting the quilt; I mean, I would really want the quilt...uh, that is, if I weren't moving to Siberia and all.....yea....Siberia...."
Btw, I'm just giving her the advice of Aristotle. He said happiness was everyone's chief end and pursuit.
I really don't think doing wretched things makes Emily happy; but who knows??? Maybe she needs to explore her wretched side....I just don't think she has much wretchedness in her--but apparently you have a different opinion???? If Emily follows her instincts, you seem to be suggesting it will certainly lead to wretchedness.....hhhhhmmmmmmmm....
This song will definitely make your eyes water: Emily
Jon, aren't we all wretched at heart? Melody was just stating the human condition, not saying anything in particular about me. (I hope.)
The lyrics of "Emily" aren't bad, but I refuse to listen to the whole song. Not my kind of music. :)
Melody, you crack me up.
In defense of A, I don't think he means for me to put aside everything to go on some holy quest to find someone. He would allow me to have a life while "getting myself out there." He gave me the example of if a guy lived in a small community with basically no prospective girls, that he would visit neighboring communties. And A thinks that if you're female and haven't been snatched up yet, you need to graze elsewhere.
I do think there is a happy medium. It doesn't hurt to make a point of meeting new people, but to look under every rock seems overly zealous.
Also, I think A and B are operating under different assumptions. A seems to assume single people will get married, and the sooner they do the better. B seems to assume that single people might very well not get married, but if they do, it can be put on hold for a while with everyone being just fine, or better for it.
And under A's method, the focus seems to be finding the right person. Whereas under B's method, the focus seems to be cultivating yourself and being satisfied with what you've got right now.
And then there's method C, in which you assume the human race is better off staying single. C claims that by doing it, we can bring Christ back sooner.
My current thought is to follow B while tossing in some new faces on occasion. But this is a thought-in-process.
Again, this post is more about the ideas that exist on singleness, specifically A and B, using myself as an example of a single person.
And really, does making a quilt or writing letters make someone crazy? It's being productive and thoughtful. There are worse things. If there was a good match for someone, and it was obvious, do you think the information that the person made a quilt be a dealbreaker?
Emily: Jon, aren't we all wretched at heart?
Prove it.
To be more specific: prove that you are "wretched" at heart.
I can buy that Melody is wretched at heart, for instance, but I still think there are different levels of wretchedness: we are not all equally wretched!
Melody is more wretched than Emily, and I am more wretched than both of you.....and baseball players are more wretched than all of us.
I think whether one subscribes to method A or method B is largely person-specific (which is perhaps what Jon was getting at with his first comment...). If you're the type of person who likes to go out and meet new people, then by all means do so. If you're naturally quiet and introverted, I think that "putting yourself out there" isn't really what you should do, because that's going against your personality.. and shouldn't prospective significant others see the "real you"? It seems like we need both kinds of people - if everyone subscribed to method B, probably few people would get together - everyone would just be waiting on someone else, who never shows up. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to practice method A - it really only takes one person out of the two in a relationship to take the initiative. And I don't think that one method is more "Godly" than the other. I think that as long as you are acting in good faith, God will be ok with either method.
On a more personal note... I think I am more of a B... because I hate having an agenda when I meet new people. You know, like, oh, here's a new guy, is he datable? Yuck. Sure, meeting new people is good and I try to do that, but beyond that I'd rather just relax and let things happen. Emily, you make a good point that some of this probably depends on how you view marriage. Perhaps one reason I lean toward B is that I can't really see myself married anytime soon anyway.
I certainly hope the weird quilt thing wouldn't be a dealbreaker if everything else is compatible. There are enough real dealbreakers out there... it seems like one should be able to get over the quilt thing. And anyway, I'd argue that making a quilt for someone you haven't even met is way less creepy than secretly stalking someone you know. Though I still don't get it... I've never been one of those girls who does stuff like plan her wedding, name her kids, etc. before she's even met the groom. Always seemed weird to me. But hey, to each their own.
Jon, by your own admission (your own admission!), you're just trying to start something w/ that comment about Melody. I need to start carrying a voice-recorder w/ me everywhere.
Concerning me, a lot of my sins are deemed little by society, but that doesn't make them any less wretched. And if a sin is one of those sins deemed big by society, I don't think it's worth it to post it for all to see. I know some people are into openness and honesty, but that doesn't mean everything should be made known to everyone.
Pauline, I can get what you're saying about one method not necessarly being right for everyone. But if someone sensed that God would have him do something different than what he's currently doing (or not doing) then he should follow that leading.
Jon,
Emily is right. I was referring to the whole, "The heart is deceitful above all things & desperately wicked, who can know it?" deal.
I don't think Emily actually a wretched person - but that's because she's been raised not to be.
And because she's quiet. If you're quiet everyone assumes you're better than you are (I say this from my experience of when people think I'm nice - not as a comment on Emily.)
So, is the heart wicked based (in part, at least) on how one is raised? Hence Emily's lack of a wicked and deceitful heart????
And how can we say every "bad" thing is equally wretched? For example, can we really say that a five year old stealing a cookie (after his mother told him not to) is equally as wretched as the genocide in Darfur???
Emily,
Jon's always just trying to start something. He's a trouble maker. That's we both rate less wretched (and because we're both quieter!)!
Also, I think A and B are operating under different assumptions...
Yeah, I think you're right about that whole thing.
And really, does making a quilt or writing letters make someone crazy?
Yes.
It's being productive and thoughtful.
They don't know the person!
They're not writing/knitting for the guy they'll marry, they're doing it for their generic, idealized vision of who that guy will be.
So thoughtful.
I'd expect that more of a guy, actually, but evidently it's a common faux pas for both genders.
I knew a guy who (actually, I've known several who have done this) decided how he was going to propose to one girl, broke up with her without proposing, & was excited that he already had a plan for proposing to the unknown girl he would eventually end up with!
As if what would be special to one girl would be special to every girl.
Because the girl doesn't matter, the guy doesn't matter - just the end goal of getting hitched.
Oh. The. Romance.
If there was a good match for someone, and it was obvious, do you think the information that the person made a quilt be a dealbreaker?
I don't know, but I wouldn't blame someone if it was.
I mean all the people I know how have been guilty of quilt making or letter writing or prepackaged proposals...have been lovely people.
Just me, personally, I want someone who's in love with me...and not just the idea of getting married. That may seem like an absurd stipulation, but seriously, my ex-boyfriend wanted to get married...but he really wasn't all that crazy about me. It caused problems.
Jon,
I don't actually subscribe to the whole "all sins are equal" theory. I think it's a gross misinterpretation of James.
We're all prone to wretchedness, Emily has been raised to resist that inclination. Oh, plus there's that whole salvation thing. That helps.
Wow, I haven't heard that song "Emily" since at least Jr. High. Good ole 80's(?, at least, I think it came out in the 80's). Thanks Jon.
I would honestly go for a middle road approach. The motivations of A do seem a bit misdirected. It seems for that person it is more about finding a marriage than finding a mate.
The motives behind B seem more "spiritual" but are they really? Most, not all, but most I have known who hold to this idea tend to snub their nose at people who disagree, saying we are not trusting God enough. But what if God wants to work through our "search" (if we can call it that).
I go for an active/passive approach. Always keeping an eye open to the possibility, but never making that the main thing in any kind of relationship. What is more important is simply the relationship itself.
But here's a question for ya all. Do you believe God has "the one" or is there another option?
I don't think God is dating anyone right now.
Jon -
In the end everyone's heart is wicked. In terms of training/how one is raised affecting the heart (or the head)? I am capable of committing every sin. But being raised in a Christian home did have an affect on me and being a Christian, certain things just wouldn't give me much happiness/pleasure. There are some sins that I know wouldn't give me much happiness, because any guilt would outweigh the pleasure.
Through God's eyes, all sin/s create a barrier between us and God. However, there is the whole thing about an eye for an eye, which seems to say that the earthly punishment should fit the crime/sin. So if a five year old shouldn't get sent prison for stealing a cookie, and those who commit genocide shouldn't be sent to the naughty chair, then for practical purposes, there are degrees of bad.
...and I have known girls to put possible boyfriends on hold in order to "date" God. So if my estimations are correct, God could be dating several thousand girls at any one time.
Ken -
If you're asking whether there is one perfect person for each of us or if anyone with certain characteristics could do?
When I was much younger I thought there was only one person. Today? I don't think there's only one person waiting for us to find him/her. There's a pool of people with characteristics that would complement a person well, it just depends on the turn of events who it ends up being.
I have known girls to put possible boyfriends on hold in order to "date" God.
I hate the whole, "Jesus is my boyfriend" thing. Once again, I know some lovely people who buy into it, but I find it creepy.
If you were a guy and you were going to "date" God, would He be your boyfriend or your girlfriend? Or do guys not use the words "date" and "God" in the same sentence?
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